Advice to Collard Queens

Important Advice to Collard Queens
(If you are an eligible man, do not dare read this advice. It contains information that could cause you permanent damage.)

My friends, family members, and I are sharing with you some lovely ways to cook collards that no one has ever thought of before. These recipes are incredibly delicious. To go along with them, I find it imperative to extend a few words of caution.

Do not dare cook collards for a man until he tells you he is in love with you. Why?
If you cook collards for a man too early in the relationship, both of you will never know whether he loves you for who you are or if he loves you for your collard cooking.

He should tell you he is in love with you and also give you some presents that indicate he is in love with you. Both the presents and the words will be required. Presents without words are meaningless. Words without presents are also meaningless. And you will require many man-initiated tender kisses along with the gifts and words. You want to be sure. You must be sure before you serve him special meals.

“In-love” presents are candy, jewelry, red roses, and love poems. These do not need to cost large amounts of money. The feelings behind them matter more than the material value.

No other food but candy is acceptable, and it should be chocolate. Jewelry can be as cheap as the bubble-gum machine kind. The jewelry must be either new or heirloom. Never consider anything he has given another woman with whom he was romantically involved acceptable. If he gives you something that has belonged to his mother, however, treasure it.

Dozens of roses any color except red are less valuable than one red rose, even if he picked it from a yard. The poems are important, too, but not essential. If a man cannot write a poem and if he tries, you can be sure he is in love with you because he has let down his guard, allowing himself to be vulnerable.

The presents that count must be included in the above list. You can consider any two of these presents a sign of his devotion to you only if he tells you he is in love with you. It is possible for a man to give you chocolate, jewelry, red roses, and sweet kisses and to tell you he loves you while he is not in love with you. It is also possible for a man to deceive you in this way and not to realize that he has deceived you or that you should have a problem with his actions. Or the man may be a simple fool who is too confused to know he is deceiving himself. If that is the case, there is only one appropriate word—next.

Remember that the only food that indicates amour is candy. Filet mignon, caviar, and shrimp do not count. Remember that material gifts other than the ones mentioned above are not indications of amour. Jogging shoes, appliances, candlelit dinners, and automobiles are lovely presents but they are not “in love” presents.

The most important advice I can give you is this: never under any circumstances should you give him any help with these matters. Don’t even dare ever hint. If he cannot figure out these things on his own, dump him!

You may be thinking, “What is a reasonable period of time?” I’m sorry to say that I do not know the answer. I have seen some good women waste as much as seven years on this project. Since I am the impatient type, I think you should not wait too long. You could be cooking collards for someone else who will appreciate you and your collards.

Remember do not cook collards too soon. Actually, you should not cook anything for a man until he has committed himself to being exclusive. You should not be a jealous woman, but you should be practical. If he is incapable of exclusivity, he is not the kind of man you should be cooking food for because he has not reached the level of social sophistication required for monogamy. Instead, he is locked in a time trap out there somewhere. You do not want to follow him there.

If you cook for him too soon, he will fail to appreciate your beauty. My mother used to say, “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” By doing intense and prolonged research, I have discovered that Mother was wrong. Upon further investigation I have found that she did not use the method she recommended. She should have said, “The way to keep a man is to feed him well.” It is unlikely that feeding him well will attract him, but it can help ensnare him. If his heart is not right, then what will you do?

You do not want a man to fall into a collard trap too prematurely for another reason: give yourself time to decide whether the man measures up to your standards. Remember: you are a collard queen—a woman like no other, a woman with a beautiful exterior and a regal soul.